I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps right now. I've been testing since 9DPO and they are all BFN's. My beta test was supposed to be tomorrow but it's been pushed back to Saturday morning because of the snow storm we are getting.
Even though this was my first round of treatment, I am already tired of going into the RE office, getting blood drawn, poked and prodded. This whole process sucks and I'm constantly being told by the people around me that i need to "stay positive." Well you know what? That's easier said that done, and you can shove your positivity advice up your ass. I'll feel how I want to feel because I am the one experiencing everything.
That brings me to another thing. These medications are sending my hormones completely out of whack and I want to throat punch people 24/7 for no apparent reason. I'm sick of always being irritated and not feeling happy and carefree anymore. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself in all of this and that my marriage is going to suffer. DH and I are already at the point where sex is seldom. It's been a timed chore for so long now, and the process has become so clinical that there is no spontaneous desire anymore.
I hate infertility and I hate that I (and anyone else) needs to experience this. It takes over your life and takes the joy out of a lot of things. Planning a family should be a fun exciting time for any couple, but being infertile makes it stressful, depressing, resentful, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to continue trying. I don't think I can resolve to giving up. The thought of it upsets me and makes me worry about being bitter and unhappy forever after. But the process takes such a toll that it's tough not to have that thought cross your mind at times. I'm tired of doctors appointments, crying, bad news, (unintentional) hurtful comments, seeing other people have babies left and right with no trouble, feeling alone in the journey, being resentful, not having anyone that understands, and being completely helpless to change any of it. And I can't help but feel terrible for my husband. I want to be able to give him a child. I feel like it's so unfair to him. He is a good, loving person and he deserve all the good things in life. The poor guy has to deal with me being an emotional mess with no reward in the end.
I could write 100 more paragraphs being a negative Nelly but i'll stop here to spare anyone who reads this. In the meantime, I'm going to try to pick myself up and move on to the next cycle while eating my emotions....ugh....
