IUI Cycle 1 is a bust...BFN emotions....

I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps right now. I've been testing since 9DPO and they are all BFN's. My beta test was supposed to be tomorrow but it's been pushed back to Saturday morning because of the snow storm we are getting.

Even though this was my first round of treatment, I am already tired of going into the RE office, getting blood drawn, poked and prodded. This whole process sucks and I'm constantly being told by the people around me that i need to "stay positive." Well you know what? That's easier said that done, and you can shove your positivity advice up your ass. I'll feel how I want to feel because I am the one experiencing everything.

That brings me to another thing. These medications are sending my hormones completely out of whack and I want to throat punch people 24/7 for no apparent reason. I'm sick of always being irritated and not feeling happy and carefree anymore. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself in all of this and that my marriage is going to suffer. DH and I are already at the point where sex is seldom. It's been a timed chore for so long now, and the process has become so clinical that there is no spontaneous desire anymore.

I hate infertility and I hate that I (and anyone else) needs to experience this. It takes over your life and takes the joy out of a lot of things. Planning a family should be a fun exciting time for any couple, but being infertile makes it stressful, depressing, resentful, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to continue trying. I don't think I can resolve to giving up. The thought of it upsets me and makes me worry about being bitter and unhappy forever after. But the process takes such a toll that it's tough not to have that thought cross your mind at times. I'm tired of doctors appointments, crying, bad news, (unintentional) hurtful comments, seeing other people have babies left and right with no trouble, feeling alone in the journey, being resentful, not having anyone that understands, and being completely helpless to change any of it. And I can't help but feel terrible for my husband. I want to be able to give him a child. I feel like it's so unfair to him. He is a good, loving person and he deserve all the good things in life. The poor guy has to deal with me being an emotional mess with no reward in the end.

I could write 100 more paragraphs being a negative Nelly but i'll stop here to spare anyone who reads this. In the meantime, I'm going to try to pick myself up and move on to the next cycle while eating my emotions....ugh....

On my way to IUI#1

Things have been going pretty well so far for my first medicated cycle. I was on 100mg for clomid CD 5 - 9 which finished on Sunday. I had a few side effects but everything was tolerable - at least for me they were. I can't speak for those around me that had to deal with my grumpiness. My first monitoring appointment after that was yesterday morning and I have one 24mm follicle on the left side. When the doc was doing the  ultrasound she looked at me and said "are you sure you only took clomid? You did very well." I was so relieved because I wasn't sure I would respond at all. I read a bunch of things online about women with DOR not responding on clomid. 

(Note to self: Google is the devil.) 

The nurse called me in the afternoon and said I could trigger at 10:30p. DH and I were going to see a play last night (A Christmas Carol - it was awesome!) and I wasn't sure when I would be home, so I ended up bringing the shot with me but in the end I was home in time to do it at the house. I was a little intimidated by the needle at first, but then I remembered that I pierced my own lip with a sewing needle when I was 16 and thought "Pshhht! I got this..." I jabbed it in and it was no big deal. No pain, no blood, and so far no side effects. My IUI is scheduled for 10:30 tomorrow morning and I'm SO excited. I don't know how much I believe it's going to work but I have more hope now knowing that I responded well with the meds. Keeping my fingers crossed!

11 years ago today.....

11 years ago today my Dad passed away at the age of 47 from metastic melanoma. He was diagnosed on Halloween night of 2001 and a year later he was gone. For some reason this anniversary has been very emotional for me. I haven't cried about him being gone in years but tonight I broke down in my car when I got home from class. I think it was the pictures that sparked it. I changed my Facebook profile to a pic of him today, and my niece posted one with a really nice message even though she was too young to remember. I haven't looked at his face in so long. He looks so happy in the one my niece posted and seeing his smile made me miss him so much.

Rest in peace Dad. I love you.

How I got here - a little background.

In January 2007 I met my husband at my sister-in-law's 30th birthday party. I was single and NOT looking at the time but he was very persistent and got me to agree to a date. We hit it off and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. We moved in together in June of 2008 and were married in July of 2012. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without him.

Soon after the wedding we decided to try for our first child. I gladly stopped taking birth control pills in October 2012 and we got to work (heehee). Of course, I was completely naive in the beginning and expected to be knocked up right away. Needless to say that didn't happen. After a couple of months I decided to start using OPK's and charting my BBT. With those, I could tell exactly when my body was ovulating so I knew our timing was on point. Month after month we kept trying with near perfect timing and still no positive HPT. The process became very frustrating, and upsetting and deep down I felt something must be wrong. However, I tried to remain positive and kept reminding myself that it could take up to a year to get pregnant.

I reached out to some friends and family to vent my frustrations and got all of the typical (and terrible) advice. I was told things like, "You just need to relax and it will happen" and "If you stop trying it will happen". Yeaaah....not so much.

By the time August rolled around (month 9 of trying) I felt like I was at whits end. I had tried everything from relaxing, lying down and raising my hips after sex, charting, OPK's, exercise...nothing seemed to make any difference. And I couldn't understand why I had to wait another 3 months before I could get any testing - honestly, I still don't. I think anyone over 30 should try for 6-9 months and if no success they should be able to start testing. But then again, that's coming from my personal situation.

Fast forward to October 2013. Finally, I was at the testing point. I didn't waste any time scheduling an appointment with an RE. Within 4 days of calling my testing began. For my cycle day 3 testing I had blood drawn and had a trans-vaginal ultrasound, and the following week I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done.  When all of my results came in, they showed that I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. I was devastated to say the least. I can't help but still feel angry (at what and/or who, I have no idea) and ask WHY ME?! It's hard not to feel this way when most of the people you're surrounded by are "fertile myrtle's". And not knowing anyone else in real life with fertility issues means there is no one to talk to that can relate.

I've told most of my immediate family about my infertility, but to be honest it doesn't help much. They try to be supportive but most times things don't come out the right way and end up being hurtful, or they just piss me off. It isn't their fault, and I'm aware of that. It will just take some time for them to learn what is ok, and not ok,  for them to say/ask.

So, the next step in our journey will be treatment. In December I will begin taking Clomid, and assuming that I respond well I will be having my first intrauterine insemination (IUI). I pray to God that we get luck and get pregnant on the first try, but I am not going to psych myself up just to be let down.

My everything will be crossed until further notice...